The Common Consumer

It's Butter, But It's Not--Except It Is

2008-05-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

Both my thumbs up for this product, because it combines two of the things I constantly vasillate between in the kitchen. I use Smart Balance for almost everything that calls for butter or margarine, but there are some situations when you really need butter--like for browning in baking or sauteeing...this, to me is a good solution, and I was happy to find it in my grocery store the other day. It comes in a "regular" version, and the one shown here, which has added Omega-3 (in the form of fish oil, which somehow doesn't affect the flavor) fatty acids in it, and it costs about the same as name-brand butter at my store.

Ford's "Driving Skills For Life" Program

2008-05-15T19:39:00.001-07:00

Alex and I had the opportunity, courtesy of the Ford Motor Fund, to take a little overnight jaunt to Chicago on Mother's Day to observe and take part in their "Driving Skills For Life" program. It's a safety program geared toward teen drivers, in which the kids get hands-on experience behind the wheel, guided by professional drivers. The exercises concentrated on things like hazard recognition, reaction time, speed, and vehicle handling.

We had an uneventful flight (well, once we got on the plane, anyway) into Chicago on Mother's Day, and were met by a very pleasant driver, who would prove to be a nice counterpoint to the next day's surly driver. Alex wasted no time at all in making himself right at home in the limo.

We arrived in downtown Chicago with plenty of time to check into our well-appointed suite at the Embassy Suites hotel, relax a bit, and get ready for dinner. At the nice, not-too-early, not-too-late hour of 6:00PM, we gathered in the hotel lobby with our hosts from Ford and Social Media Group, and headed out to Maggiano's Little Italy, where we were treated to an enormous "family style" meal.

The food was good, and more than plentiful, and the company was interesting and engaging. Seated closest to me, representing Ford, so that we were able to visit a bit, were Ford spokesman Wes Sherwood, and Vice-President of Sustainability, Environment and Safety Engineering, Sue Cischke.

Wes and I had a common bond in that we both have 5-year-olds who will be starting kindergarten in the fall, so we had plenty to talk about there! The Ford folks at our table that night didn't seem to have very much background in social media (double-kudos to them for hiring a liaison who is social-media savvy), so much of our conversation was centered around The Way Of The Internet. It's obvious to me that big companies NEED go-betweens to help get their messages out to the online community--and there's nothing wrong with that! These are busy people in high-powered, high-stress careers, who don't have time to be blog-surfing or Twittering all day long. At the same time, Ford Motor Company obviously does have some internet-savvy folks among their ranks, as evidenced by their Flickr stream. Check it out--what they've done there is very, very smart: They have a good Flickr presence, with high-quality, well-described and tagged professional photos which they've made free for anyone's use. They also use the account to comment on others' photos, and add their own photos to all applicable Flickr groups, for maximum exposure. Smart, smart, SMART.

In conversation with Wes, I sensed a sincere desire on the part of Ford to connect with bloggers, their readers, and the consumer in general--this was not a slick, fake "shill" in the least. This was a regular guy, dedicated to his job, and honestly excited about the opportunities ahead, especially the importance of the DSFL program.

I could have spent another several hours listening to Sue Cischke, too. This is an inspiring woman doing a BIG job, and she has an amazing amount of knowledge over a broad area of expertise in her industry. I was most excited to hear her describing some of the research that's being done right now in developing new fuel sources...if I give you my dumbed-down version of that conversation, it's this: CARS WILL RUN ON GARBAGE. OK, so, yeah, I'm over-simplifying. But it's coming, I tell you! I came away with the feeling that, if I'd asked Sue, "So, where are our flying cars?" she'd have explained to me just how far along the flying-car research is at this point in time. Long story short (too late for that?), I was quite impressed by Sue.

We were able to get back to the hotel at a very decent hour, which, after the madcap pace of the J&J event, I really appreciated, especially since we had to be checked out and ready to go at 8:00 the next morning. Alex and I rolled out at the appointed time the next day, had a lovely breakfast of custom-made omelets in the company of the lovely Zoe Siskos of Social Media Group, and then went outside into a beautiful Chicago morning to wait for the car service to come and take us to Cellular Field (home of the White Sox) for the DSFL program. And we waited. And waited. An hour and a half we waited, apparently due to some mix-up with the car service (their fault, thankyouverymuch). Because of that delay, we missed part of the DSFL program--the "hazard recognition" portion, specifically.

We were, however, able to catch most of the program, and got to observe the teenage audience soaking in the talks given by Ford's professional drivers, all of whom seemed to have racing backgrounds.

The first session we observed focused on distractions, and many of the teens seemed genuinely surprised at how easily their attention was taken off the road, as the professional drivers riding along with them moved their mirrors, messed with the radio, pointed out landmarks...and then cheerfully informed the young drivers that they'd just missed a stop sign or taken out a road cone. POINT MADE. It was a hoot.

Then it was time for what we'd all been waiting for: The SKID CARS. We'd been watching the pro drivers spin out and skid the specially-customized Mustangs all over the Cellular Field parking lot all morning, and it just looked like a lot of fun.

The Mustangs were specially fitted with casters which took a great deal of the weight off the rear wheels, making the cars much more prone to skid in a turn.

Our next instructor, one of my favorites, did a fantastic job of explaining the physics of a skid in terms that the teenagers (and myself) could easily understand. I especially appreciated his detailed discussion of "target fixation," the phenomena which occurs when, instead of concentrating on where we're trying to direct our vehicle, we visually "fixate" on the object we're trying to avoid...which, ironically, makes us all the more likely to have a collision with that very object.

I was very impressed by all the professional drivers at work on this morning--they were cheerful, accessible, helpful, and very easy to understand. Also, they all had rockin' shades.

Alex and I exercised remarkable restraint in not shoving any of the kids aside to get our turn to drive one of the skid cars. We waited patiently, like grownups, and then got our chance. Our driver/instructor, who was impossibly young, was personable and fun. His name was David Bahr, and you can even check out his website. He showed us the basics of handling the car, then all too abruptly announced that it was MY turn. You know, to go too fast around the turn, so that I'd spin out, so that I could then try to correct the vehicle, pull out of the skid, and stay on the course.

I have to tell you, this exercise was very difficult for me to even attempt. Being a single gal with horses to tow and dogs to carry to shows for most of my adult life, I've only ever owned SUVs and pickup trucks. And if there's one thing that I'm cautious to the point of paranoia about in driving those vehicles, it is most definitely that you DO NOT NEGOTIATE TURNS AT SPEED, because that will cause your SUV or pickup truck to TURN OVER. David had to encourage me pretty vigorously to "accelerate into the turn!" To which I would answer, "I don't want to!"

Ultimately, though, I got up my nerve enough to let 'er rip (if David is reading this, I assure you that he is laughing his HEAD off at MY interpretation of "letting 'er rip,"), and felt the rear end of the Mustang sliding away from me, to the outside. My instinctive response? I let go of the wheel. This is not the right answer, for those of you following along at home. By "let go," I don't mean that I threw my hands up in the air or anything, just that I released my grip on the steering wheel enough so that it slid freely through my grasp of its own volition, until it reached the "home" position in which the wheels were straight. This tactic totally works... if you're going 3 miles per hour. But at skidding speed? Not so much. So my first attempt had me facing back the way I'd come, which is not what you want. But the next few times, I conquered that bugaboo, and manually corrected the wheel as David had instructed. I did not "target fixate," which kind of surprised me, because when I'd been outside the car, I'd been hyper-aware of all the nearby lampposts scattered between the skid courses, and was sure I'd be sliding into at least one of them, or, worse yet, another car.

But here's what I did NOT see coming, and herein lies the value of an opportunity like this, an opportunity to have a "controlled accident:" All through my skids, even the corrections, my tendency was to NEVER TAKE MY FOOT OFF THE GAS. That's right, something in my brain thought it would be a good idea to just keep on accelerating through the entire process. David had to say, "stop," every single time before I'd remember to brake. That, folks, was a rude awakening, and something I never would have guessed to be a problem. David informed us that it was a common accident response, because of adrenalin, tension, and inexperience (and really, how many of us are "experienced" at having--or avoiding--accidents?).

I'd also like to thank David for his take on one of my personal little pet peeves of driving instruction, which is the advice to "steer into the skid." That phrase, to me, is deceptive, and what I've always said to myself (and what my dad said to me long, long ago when teaching me to drive) instead, is, "steer in the direction you want the car to go." David said it that way, and it made ever so much more sense than "steer into the skid." He also pointed out the many things that come after "steer into the skid," chief among them the fact that, at some point, you have to STOP. So thanks, David--it was educational and fun, and I learned a lot, even if I'm old enough to be your...um, let's say "cool aunt," OK?

In another little gem of unconventional wisdom, the female race driver we rode with in another session informed us that, in her opionion, the "10:00 and 2:00" position of your hands on the steering wheel doesn't give you nearly the control that you get at 9:00 and 3:00. I've got a feeling that you could take lessons from these drivers for weeks on end and keep learning new things. I know I'd LIKE to.

And then, for our trouble, Ford gave us this sweet, sweet car. Cool, huh?

I'm KIDDING. They gave us a nice lunch. Which Alex and I skipped in favor of a visit to Giordano's before our flight out.

If you'd like more information about Ford's Driving Skills For Life program (I know I, for one, would like to know how to get them to come to MY hometown), follow the links in this post, or leave a comment here, and I'll make sure the right person sees it. This is a company that has always been on the forefront of driver safety research and development, and I found them to be quite open and responsive. Thanks to the Ford Motor Fund for giving us the opportunity to learn more about this great program for teens.

Click here to see my full photo set from this trip.

Highly Recommended

2008-05-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

I'm breaking my own rule about foods packaged in single servings, but this is so good I'll make an exception. And although I am following the Weight Watchers program right now, and doing well, I'm not normally a huge fan of Weight Watchers brand packaged foods, for various reasons. This cream cheese is a standout product, though.

I'm going to eat cream cheese anyway, so it makes sense to seek out the best one for my caloric budget. This one is closer in fat content to "real" cream cheese than it is to standard light or fat-free versions, but that's why it tastes so good, with a texture that matches "the real thing" pretty closely. There are 5 grams of fat in a 60-calorie serving, but Weight Watchers has done that trickly little thing they do where they add fiber (in this case in the form of inulin, a fiber source derived from chicory root) to a food to lower its "point" value. A 1-point snack with fat and protein is fairly hard to come by, so this cream cheese is a good part of my dietary intake. To elevate it into a light meal or heavy snack, I like to spread it on a toasted whole-grain bagel, and sprinkle dry-roasted sunflower seeds on top for crunch (and more protein, good fat, and fiber). The cream cheese/sunflower seed combo also makes a really nice addition to a turkey sandwich.

I can say, from experience: GO EASY ON THE FOODS WITH ADDED INULIN. You want most of your fiber to come from the actual food it's found in, not from supplementation. One serving of Weight Watchers cream cheese a day is plenty. That said, there's nothing on this product's ingredients panel that causes me to run screaming for the hills.

John Deere Green...With Envy

2008-04-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

There are lots of things I lust after, and wantwantWANT. The new Sony HD Handycam. A MacBook. Actual grown-up luggage. Furniture that nobody else owned before me (seriously, I'm over 40 now, and my bed is the only piece of furniture in my house that's not a hand-me-down...I'm not "on track," am I?). Multiple sets of sheets and towels, so that I'm not always washing them. Spare time. A maid service.

But there is something that stops me in my tracks and causes me very nearly to drool in public. It's shiny and gorgeous. It's not jewelry--it's better. It's a lawn tractor. A JOHN DEERE lawn tractor.

This is another thing that I've never owned new, but it hasn't ever mattered. My dad's John Deere hand-me-downs have held up beautifully for many, many years. I've replaced a couple of seats, and in one case a hood, and I usually have to have it serviced once a year, but the thing just goes and goes and goes. I know people with John Deere tractors that are 20 or more years old, and showing no sign of slowing.

So I'm waiting, and hoping that the price on this super-fantastic lawn tractor drops at the same time our current one shuffles off this mortal coil. And if anyone has an in at John Deere, hook me up, wouldja?

Don't Wait On Storm Repairs

2008-04-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

Early this year, tornadoes whipped through Arkansas (as they have several times since then), doing major damage to many, many structures. Although our home sits down in what we like to call a "holler," part of our property is more elevated and in a clearing, and so is subject to high winds. It's in that part of the property that our "shop" building is located. In the storm cycle I've mentioned, we lost almost every shingle on the west side of the building, and the roof began to leak.

Obviously, this had to be repaired, but the estimate for repair was $2100, which we simply didn't have. Our homeowner's insurance wasn't a whole lot of help, since our deductible is $1500. So we were preparing to do what so many of our neighbors were doing with their homes, which was to effect a homemade rain-barrier made of tarps and sandbags and try to save up the money needed for repair.

But a couple of things happened around this time which were serendipitous, and allowed us to learn from the experience. First, we got our income tax refund, which was around $1100. Lesson: always file your tax return as early as possible. Second, we got a break from a roofing company for being willing to have our repair done right away--it seems that our job was small enough that they could fit it between two larger jobs, which made it more cost-effective for the roofing company. This saved us around $1,000, making the cost of the repair just about equal to the amount of our tax refund. Lesson: Even if it means sacrificing other things, make repairs in a timely manner if at all possible. We also saved a little money by going with a readily available shingle (in a different, but compatible, color) instead of waiting on delivery of the shingle that was previously on our roof. Lesson: Be flexible.

On the one hand, it stunk that we weren't able to use our income tax refund on some other things we needed. On the other hand, we were very thankful that we HAD the income tax refund when our roof blew off.

Healthy Grocery Shopping With Coupons IS Possible

2008-02-25T13:24:00.000-08:00

I've posted on this topic before, and I'm still at it. I get a lot of questions about couponing and store sales, and one of the most common is, "But aren't coupons always for highly-processed junk food? I try to eat healthy, so I can't really save money on groceries."

The short answer is, yes, most coupons are for crap. But your store sales will usually have lots of good deals on the "outer perimeter" of the store, where the nutritionally dense foods tend to be--your meats, produce, grains, dairy. And, believe it or not, many coupons are for staples that are not frozen pizza and cupcakes, and you can make the most of those. So, to answer all the, "What do you buy with your couponing?" questions, here are some recent examples. I shoot for an average of 60% savings, which I usually meet when averaging trips. In the examples below, two of the receipts showed around 53-55% savings, while the other got darn close to 70% saved.

Click on the pictures for notes and a closer look.

On this trip, the receipt total was $109, and once I'd applied my coupons to the store sales, I paid $53 for all this food, plus a couple of things that didn't get pictured because Alex had already taken them downstairs to the freezer in the basement. Here was the haul:

Wonton wrappers
Nature's Own Double Fiber Wheat bread
Several cans of store-brand veggies
Couple cans of Dole pineapple
T. Marzetti Fat-Free Ranch veggie dip
Fresh asparagus
Fiber One bars, 6 boxes
Milk & Cereal bars for Bella, 3 boxes
Organic carrots
Black table grapes
Packaged tart apple slices for Bella
2 Freschetta 4-cheese pizzas
10 Banquet chicken pot-pies for Bella (they're very small)
15 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breast, great sale price (these I opened, repackaged into single-meal size servings, and vacuum sealed and froze, so now we have enough chicken for 7 meals)

Yes, there are some prepared foods there (breakfast bars, bread, veggie dip), but also plenty of "real" food to show for that trip, where I paid for less than half of my groceries. It can be done. Next:

This trip included a good few non-grocery items, which, if you're paying attention, can REALLY save you some dough. This was the trip where, but for that roast, I'd have broken the 70% saved mark. As it was, this was $216 worth of food, for which I paid $74. YES. Here was the take:

14 cans Healthy Choice vegetable soup for one, for my lunches
5 boxes Kelloggs Frosted Flakes Gold, for Bella (I know, cereal, ewww)
20 Yoplait YO+ digestive health yogurts
5 Lloyd's barbecue chicken & beef (tasty and lean)
10 lbs. Riceland brown rice
1 bunch bananas (sliced & frozen for use in smoothies)
White seedless grapes
Frozen strawberries
7 boxes Garnier Nutrisse haircolor, MY actual preferred brand
7 Gillette Fusion Hydragel shave gel
2 boxes bandages
1 roll bandaging tape
3lb. English beef roast

It may look crazy to buy 7 boxes of haircolor or shave gel at a time, but look at it this way: You're going to need these things (well, I am, anyway) sometime, and if you wait until you run out, you're likely to have to pay full price. In the case of the haircolor, that would have been a $6-8 difference PER BOX. So you can see, it pays to stockpile while the sales are on, especially if you can combine those sales with coupons.

This trip, today's, was what we call a "cherry-picking" trip, in which, outside of my actual needs, I was ONLY buying things that were deeply discounted due to the combination of store sales and my coupons. What did I NEED when I went into the store? I needed bread and juice. That's it. And those things were not on sale, so they threw of my percentages somewhat, but that's OK. Here's what $99 bought me (the ticket total was $206):

3 bags Baked! Lays potato chips (shut up, they make my lunches sufferable, all 14 of them at a time)
1 large bottle pomegranate-blueberry juice (the base of my berry smoothies)
6 bags Kraft string cheese
10 boxes Orville Redenbacher light popcorn (*sighs* for Act II Kettle Corn)
4 packs Huggies wipes, for the car
6 tubs Kan-Doo pop-up wipes for Bella's bathroom
6 bags Welch's dried fruit
1/2 gallon Florida's Natural orange juice
10 Glade jar air-freshening candles (what--you don't stink?)
2lbs white seedless grapes, for the freezer
2 loaves Nature's Own Honey Wheat bread, for Alex
1 loaf Nature's Own Double Fiber Wheat bread, for me
48 Fiber One Yoplait yogurts. That's right, 48. Stored in the basement fridge until I finish the current stock of Activia and YO+ I already have.

You may be wondering things like, "Where's the veggies? Where's the milk?" Well, I already have pretty good stores of most things, and I even freeze milk when it's on sale--it thaws just fine, good as new. Cheese also freezes well, as does bread. And we buy MOST of our vegetable frozen, which actually means that you're usually getting a fresher product than by buying "fresh" produce, since frozen veggies are flash-frozen on the spot shortly after being picked, instead of being shipped from wherever they're harvested to your grocery store.

The meat that we feed our dogs, and most of our own meat, we get from a small, wonderful, local butcher, where we're able to pick it up on the day the cow is processed (the only do one cow at a time), and it actually winds up costing less than grocery-store meat.

And of course, our larders are full-to-bursting with canned goods, pastas, rice, and beans.

The only thing I can add is that I AM now using The Grocery Game, which only became available in my area this year. I can't say that it saves me more money than what I was managing to save going it alone, but it saves me HOURS of time, which is worth a lot.

So...any questions?

Superbowl Commercials And Hulu.com

2008-02-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

Not enough, apparently. Which is surprising, considering my hatred for the Quiznos "Baby Bob" spots of a few years ago. This is just done SO much better, and by someone with a really great eye for comedic timing. Plus, these spots actually made me visit ETrade's website, which is the idea, right?

P.S. Have I ever mentioned how much I love hulu? I LOVE HULU.

Victoria & Albert's Restaurant, Disney World

2008-01-28T13:35:00.000-08:00

I decided to finish journaling our Disney vacation from December, when I stopped after just posting about the first two days. You are thrilled to hear this. No, you ARE.

That Sunday happened to be Alex's and my wedding anniversary. Seven years, and I'm not even itchy. How 'bout that? Let's observe a moment of silent wonder and appreciation at what the two of us have come through, and that we are, in fact, more or less happily married still. Done? OK.

Alex's delightful mother (honestly--I feel like the luckiest woman alive, because I not only have a fantastic mother, but a fantastic mother-in-LAW...it seems greedy), who is something of a Disney World expert, having made several trips with grandchildren before, had, months ago, made reservations for Alex and I at the very posh Victoria & Albert's restaurant. You might be wondering why that name sounds familiar, and it's because it was recently in the news for officially "banning" children under the age of 10. My input on this is that no one with half sense would bring a young child to a 3-hour, 7+ course meal, but that's just me. There may be people who also like poking themselves in the eyes with mechanical pencils, but I'm not one of them.

Victoria & Albert's is a AAA 5-diamond restaurant, and you get a feel for what's in store right up front, when they present you with your very own, pre-printed keepsake menus.

Intimidating, much? Well, yeah, you could say that. Let me take a moment and share a little secret about fancypants dining, especially 3-hour-long seatings of gourmet meals in places that are so dignified and quiet that you can hear OTHER people breathing, despite the soft harp music: Gentlemen, as you sit normally in your upholstered chair, in your coat and tie, supported by the seat back comfortably, and enjoying your meal, APPRECIATE the fact that the lady in your company is perched on the edge of her own chair, holding herself ramrod-straight, because, in the female version of "semi-formal" dress, well...we just must. There is no leaning back in our chairs, because that would make us look decidedly unladylike, and there is CERTAINLY no slumping. I can honestly say that the only not-entirely-positive thing about this amazing meal was the ache in my back and shoulders by the time it was over. But you can overcome a lot of pain with the right amount of gourmet cheese and/or chocolate ganache.

When people keep asking my why I'm persisting in my attempts at learning how to cook duck, I tell them it's because of this dish.

That is walnut oil seared duck with hearts of palm, huckleberry vinaigrette, and Fourme D'Ambert foundue. And it was DIVINE. Well, everything we had was divine. I don't even recall what Alex had while I was eating this, BUT, I do know what he had next, because he would not shut up about it for DAYS. He had pan-roasted foie gras with Fuji apples and Mostarda di Cremona, and it came in this funky dish:

This is just not something I can eat, because the flavor of the liver and the taste of the insanely high fat content are just too strong for me. Alex could not believe that anyone would be so dense as to pass up this delicacy, and declared it to be "possibly the best thing [he had] ever eaten." While he was doing that, I was minding my own business over on my side of the table, with a festival of mushrooms and truffles, more formally known as ballotine of poulet rouge with chicken consomme', Scottish Chanterelles and black truffles. Also known, immediately upon serving, as IN MAH BELLEH.

Now, here is where things took a typical turn, for us. As you might well imagine, service up to this point had taken a good hour or more, and our supply of genteel manners was running on the lowish side. The stuffiness of the restaurant was starting to seem less serious, and more funny. This is dangerous, if you're out with us. Fortunately, we had only each other's images to damage. Naturally, my highly-sophisticated husband waited until I had taken a sip of the mellowest iced-tea ever, sweetened with honey collected from highly-sophisticated bees, to lean over and whisper conspiratorily, "Oops...got a little goose-grease on my tie, there." Composure: BLOWN. Thanks, Honey.

I blame myself, partially, because on our way to the restaurant, I'd dared Alex to sit down, look over the menu, and then ask the server, "Y'all got any nachos back'ere?" which of course he wouldn't do. But once the ice was broken with the goose-grease remark, the flood-gates were open, so to speak (and with mixed metaphors, even). I also blame the butter, because I think it made us a little stoned. I'm not kidding. This butter they had--it was naturally cultured butter from Vermont cows, cows which I imagine spend a lot of time getting spa treatments and dining on alfalfa cakes and drinking spring water, because only INSANELY HAPPY COWS could have produced the milk that made that butter, and therefore there must have been some sort of giddy endorphins buttering our bread that night. In fact, we discussed the truth that on this occasion, the bread was merely serving as a butter-delivery system, and had there been spoons on the table between courses, we'd have likely skipped the bread altogether and just mainlined the butter.

We did manage to get through the fish course (turbot for Alex, Alaskan sablefish for me), but the delay between that and the meat course left way too much time on our hands and way too much "material" for Alex to riff on. Probably my favorite exchange of the evening had to do with the lovely harp music, which was being played right next to our table by a lovely lady. It began during a particularly heartfelt rendition of "Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming," with Alex once again leaning over to whisper to me.

Alex: "How much you reckon I'd have to tip her to get her to play 'Turkey In The Straw?'"

Me: (laughing) "I don't know, but for a heavy tip, you'd want to get your money's worth--something like 'Dueling Banjos.'"

We paused, locked eyes, and had minor meltdowns as we imagined the opening strains of "Dueling Banjos" being played on a harp. Go ahead--imagine that. It's FUNNY.

We hummed softly together, until we got to the "busy" part of the song, and I allowed that at that point, it was probably a moot question.

Me: "No, I don't think one harpist could do that part by herself--there's too much going on."

Alex: (without missing a nanosecond of a beat) "Oh, well, she'd have to rare back and kick her shoes off, for sure."

And then we LOST IT. For quite some time. And were not again settled until the arrival of some steak that demanded serious attention. Alex had Kobe beef tenderloin with smoked garlic puree, and while that garlic/potato puree tasted like it had been prepared earlier that day by angels in heaven, my Kansas City Angus beef with caramelized Yukon Gold potatoes was, in my opinion, WAY better. Great galloping kumquats, but it was good.

After the steak, Alex was the wise soul who ordered the cheese plate for our next course, and I'm grateful to him for not stabbing me with a cheese fork as I pilfered from his plate, because I'm not sure I'd have shown the same restraint, were our situations reversed. There were five amazing cheeses, but the highlights were the Comte' Saint Antoine, the 4-year aged Gouda, which transcended all Goudas that ever came before it, and the melt-in-your-mouth Cabra al Vino, which I believe is the one we were told translated as "drunken goat." Listen to me, all ye people who raise milk-goats and make cheese: START GETTING YOUR GOATS DRUNK ON WINE IMMEDIATELY. That was the most incredible cheese ever.

Just when we were almost ready to die, we were served our desserts, which had been in the making since the beginning of our meal. Alex had a Grand Marnier souffle', which I'm sure was perfectly wonderful, but I really wouldn't know, since I was occupied having the chocolate version of an LSD trip, with my trio of chocolate desserts: Tanzanian chocolate pyramid, Hawaiian Kona chocolate souffle', and Peruvian chocolate ice cream and puff pastry.

And yes, the apex of that sweet little pyramid is topped with 24k gold. I am now worth slightly more than I was before I ate it.

The only thing I can add about this meal is that, even if you don't particularly care for coffee (I don't), if you're ever offered coffee that is brewed at your table in one of these contraptions:

By all means, HAVE SOME. Wow. I am now of the opinion that all coffee should be prepared in a flame-powered vacuum percolator. Gotta get me one of those. And some of those wonderful little pear/mint/ginger sugared cubes that were served to top off the meal.

Victoria & Albert's sent us on our way, a little over three hours after we'd arrived, with a long-stemmed rose and a loaf of apricot breakfast-bread, stuffed to the gills with good food and memories of a special occasion. It's an experience I'd highly recommend, though if you're easily embarrassed, I'd suggest not taking us along. The really good news on this night was that the restaurant is located at the Grand Floridian Resort & Spa, which is where we happened to be staying, so we only had to waddle a short distance before we could fall into bed and try not to die of instant-onset gout. SO WORTH IT.

The Continuing Moisturizer & Make-Up Chronicles

2008-01-15T13:38:00.000-08:00

Because you totally did. I'm still in the honeymoon stage with my new Prescriptives products, and Philosophy is still on probation, so I'm not ready to make any firm pronunciations on how I feel about things. Also, I've decided that I need to get back on The Magic Oil That Heals All Ills, and try to treat this uber-dry situation from the inside as well as the outside, so I want to give that another month and then re-evaluate. But because you, Internets, are some pesky buggers, let's just go on and paste our big red naked face all over the tubes. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

See what we're dealing with, here? No, that is not acne or a form of rash. It's just what I mean when I say, "My skin is DRY." My skin is DESSICATED. If you've ever gone snow-skiing, and had a really bad windburn? It is just like that. All the time. Also, somewhere, my mother and especially my grandmother are DYING RIGHT NOW. Also, see that weird face I'm making, where it looks like I may have had a slight stroke, and one eyebrow is up and one eye is wider than the other one, and how I should never be making that face, ever? Well, get used to it, because I'll be doing it again.

Oh, that picture was right out of the shower, and after I'd applied Philosophy "When Hope Is Not Enough" moisturizer, and let it absorb for maybe 3 minutes. Next, I applied the ridiculously-named "Magic Illuminating Liquid Potion," from Prescriptives. I suppose "Sparkly Green-Tinted Lotion" wouldn't sell as well. See the sparkles?

Already, I am uncomfortable, because if there is one thing I do not like in my beauty products, it is sparkle. I am a matte kind of girl. But in for a penny, in for a pound, as they say.

Here I am after applying the sparkly (I'm sorry, Firefox Spellcheck, but I am NOT going to spell that word "sparkley," because in my head it only has two syllables; I am not pronouncing it "sparkle-ee") lotion. I'm already more shiny than I like to be, plus I'm obviously imagining that someone is kicking all the puppies of the world, AND I am rehearsing for my celebrity mug-shot, as well. The left eye has calmed down a bit, but that eyebrow is still looking like it might go renegade. While seeing these pictures on the interwebs, my mother's probably OK by now, but my grandmother is still DYING.

On a serious note, the redness does seem to have abated a little, doesn't it? And that effect got stronger after it absorbed a bit more. But onward, ever onward, to what I told you was The Darkest Foundation I've Ever Purchased In My Life, and...

Yeah. Still pale--oh, excuse me, I mean fair--as can be, but without the ruddiness glowing through from beneath, like when Rudolph's jerk of a dad rubbed bootblack or whatever on Rudolph's nose to keep it from glowing, and it always rubbed off and made Jerk-Santa say, "SHAME ON YOU" for producing a freak-fawn to Rudolph's dad. I may be reading too much into this at this point, but as you can see, it's a painful subject. Oh, yeah: This is Prescriptives "Virtual Youth Lifting Moisture Makeup," a name which bothers me not only because it is FIVE words on a tiny little bottle, but also because that is a jumble of adverbs and adjectives (not to mention another noun) used to describe a noun, and it offends me. I'm sure the marketing team at Prescriptives just felt a disturbance in The Force. Crazy eye back, grandmother likely breathing into a bag but doing better.

And this is where we get into the very, VERY bizarre Prescriptives "Magic Liquid Powder." The name is better, and it fits, because unless you are an alchemist, this stuff IS magic. Mainly because while it is CLEARLY powder, when you apply it, it is a liquid. And then it finishes dry. Hey, I'm just giving you the facts. A week later, I still have not gotten the hang of applying this product. It should come with detailed instructions. I had no idea how much was enough, or how much was too much, although I DID have a decent Popeye impression going by this time. For real--WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH MY FACE?

Also, I am hypnotizing you from this picture. You will each send me $10 toward a MacBook Air, or I will come put my sparkly white face VERY CLOSE TO YOU. Better make it $20; readership has fallen off lately. Plus I'll need some extra for my Grandmom's new heart medication, because she is trying to figure out how to delete these pictures from her own computer right now.

And just to see how very far off I was with the tone of my previous powder, here is old and new side-by-side: way-too-pinkish old stuff on the left, new witchcraft powder-liquid stuff on the right.

And here we are all finished with the face now, and taking a split-second to breathe before tackling hair and wardrobe. Grandmom, you can breathe again.

Again--there is more shiny here than I like, but it's better than blotchy and red, so at this point, I'm taking it. And makeup apparently eases my chronic Spaz-face.

I'm still having trouble with breakthrough dryness. In other words, after a while, all the moisture I applied to my skin when I started is fully absorbed, and the surface smoothness gives way. But it does last for a little while, and even when it starts to go, you still have to be pretty close to see it. I think. Here's a picture Bella took from the backseat of the car about 2 hours later, in more natural light (though she insists on using the flash), and when I hadn't touched anything up.

As you can see, the cure for red and splotchy is obviously green and sparkly. Wouldn't be my first choice, but it's better than what I had going on before.

So, I'm adding the essential fatty acid supplement (and figuring out how what effect that has on my caloric intake, so I don't stop losing weight), giving it another month, and reevaluating at that time. So far, I'm optimistic about both the Philosophy moisturizer (which, yes, for the ingredient list, is WAY overpriced) and the Prescriptives voodoo. We shall watch, and wait. But not post any more pictures like this for a long while.

And now? I DARE YOU to do this same thing with your beauty regimen. Chicken.

The Challenge of Post-Hysterectomy Dry Skin

2008-01-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

We've talked about it before. It's dry. Like, CRAZY dry, especially in a state with near-constant 99% humidity. I conducted an informal poll on this space a while back, and the most common answer I got from my cohorts in dry skin was to recommend "Hope In A Jar," by Philosophy. So I got some. And because I decided my skin was WAY drier than what these people were describing, I also got an ounce of "When Hope Is Not Enough," which is hardcore. They won me over to this product by suggesting I needed it if the "skin on [my] face feels two sizes too small." BINGO. I also got Philosophy's "Purity" cleanser.

I've been using the Philosophy regimen that so many people recommended when I polled (for about a month, now), so figured it was time to try and do something about this ruddy, wind-burned-appearing complexion of mine that has appeared since my hysterectomy last year at age 40. Like get some makeup on it--something that would make my face the same color/tone as the rest of my skin. So I asked around the Internets, as I am wont to do.

I do believe that Prescriptives was originally Susan's suggestion, and she is usually right about these things (plus a dozen or so folks backed her up on it). Anyway, when Mom and I were at the mall today, I bit the bullet and let someone smear some stuff on my face and see what stuck, so to speak.

The "Magic Illuminating Liquid Potion" (OVERKILL, MUCH, PRESCRIPTIVES?) really does seem like magic. It's a red-neutralizing lotion. It moisturizes, and when you dab it on your skin, it "erases" a lot of redness. Not by "curing" or getting rid of it, but by disguising it with green, that somehow looks perfectly natural. Honest.

Next you apply the "Virtual Youth Lifting Moisture Makeup" with "Luminous Finish, Medium to Full Coverage." The reason I went with this one is because it had the most moisture in it. My skin is in NO danger of breakouts, but is hideously dry, like my hair, since my hysterectomy. This is the darkest foundation I have ever purchased in my life, but somehow, it matches my skin-tone perfectly. Turns out that I was just buying lighter and lighter makeup, trying to disguise the redness, which was a futile pursuit.

Finally, we have the "Magic Liquid Powder," which is your finishing powder. It's very subtle, but this stuff has almost a greenish tinge to it, which further eradicates a ruddy/red appearance in your skin. And "liquid powder?" Well, it sounds crazy, but I swear--it's powder when you put it on your brush, and as you apply it, somehow, it gets liquid. But it gives a clean finish. Don't ask me. All I know is that I spent more on these three products, JUST for foundation, than I normally would on all of my makeup put together. But I'm desperate.

If the skincare regimen and/or this makeup works for me, I'll be letting you know, so that if you have the dry, dry, red face, you can try it! If I get brave, I might even post pictures with half my face treated and the other half "raw," which is certainly how it LOOKS. Maybe. Don't hold me to it.

Disney Travelogue, Part Two

2007-12-28T13:47:00.000-08:00

We began our first full day at Disney World in Cinderella's Castle, having breakfast with her highness and friends. Needless to say, meeting Cinderella was a HUGE highlight for a certain little girl.

We'd gotten so little sleep the night before, that the little one was on a bit of an edge during breakfast, and there was one minor meltdown. Also, she read the back of the wand and star they gave her, and reported, LOUDLY, "They gave me a wishing star...and it is MADE IN CHINA."

Fortunately, most of the day was happyhappyhappy, and not a little bit silly.

From there, it was off to ride the greatest carousel ever, which to tell the truth, Mommy probably enjoyed as much as Daughter. Heck, we ALL rode the carousel.

I want topiaries now, worse than I ever did before. And I wanted them pretty badly before. If you can make baby elephant shrubbery, a poodle ought to be a snap.

Yep, Mommy rode the Dumbo ride. And I'm glad I did.

Highlights from the Magic Kingdom were Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain, and Mickey's PhilharMagic 3-D show. Bella FREAKED during the 3-D show. She'd never seen anything like it, and kept reaching out trying to grab things, dodging projectiles, and squealing when we got "splashed" with water (there are tiny sprayers on the backs of all the seats that squirt a little water at certain times during the show). It was a hoot. This 3-D show was really good, but the ones at the other parks were pretty pitiful in comparison. It was kind of too bad that we saw this one first, because then we thought they'd all be that good. Nope!

Bella loved "It's A Small World," but it freaked Alex and me out more than a little.

After hitting most of the rides and attractions Bella was interested in, we hit a lull. When a five-year-old, who is in the middle of THE MAGIC KINGDOM, says to you, "I think I need to take a break," then it's time to TAKE A BREAK. Besides, by this time, she was drawing attention away from some of the performers.

So we undertook the torturous journey back to the Grand Floridian resort (this is an important part of the Disney experience--they do NOT make it easy to get back and forth between your hotel room and the parks, because if you are not in the park, you are not GIVING THEM YOUR MONEY), where we all took LONG naps. I can't speak for everyone, but for me? That was one GOOD nap. That evening, Alex and I let his mom get a little more rest, and we took Bella back out to the Magic Kingdom so we could hit the rides we'd missed during the day: Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain, and Pirates of the Caribbean. It was great; there were no lines, and riding the rides in the dark made for a dramatic experience. Bella LOVED Splash Mountain, which really surprised me. I expected it to frighten her, but no. She'd have ridden it all day. Since there were no lines, we went directly from Splash Mountain to Big Thunder Mountain, where the roller coaster does a lot of twisting and turning and short drops. She loved THAT one, too. After it was over, she was practically VIBRATING, and I asked her, "So, what did you think of that?" She said, "It was just...so...nervous, and...and...annoying...AND GREAT!" Hey, whaddaya know? Just like Mommy--nervous, annoying, and great!

On our way out of the park, we just had time to slip into the last voyage on the totally Depp-u-tized "Pirates of the Caribbean" attraction. We were underwhelmed, for the most part, though the multiple appearances of wax Johnny Depp-as-Captain-Jack-Sparrow figures was at first impressive and then unsettling. It was somewhere around this time that I wondered aloud if Disney had a morgue, or holding area for folks that drop dead from heat exhaustion, and Alex opined that they probably just prop you up in the POTC attraction until your body is claimed.

We got back to the hotel just in time (barely) to get ready for our 9:00 dinner reservation that Alex's mom had arranged for our anniversary, which happened to be that day. But that's another post.

Disney Travelogue, Part One

2007-12-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

We set out last week, bright and early, and got to the airport with plenty of time to spare. Yaaay, us! And then we were promptly fogged in. For HOURS. Thank goodness for Webkinz and Leapster.

Even so, it wasn't long before Bella was losing patience, and crying, "Can we just go to Disney World already? THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE." Our original flight was delayed, delayed, delayed again, and finally canceled. If you want to witness a really sad scene, hang around the airport terminal when they announce the cancellation of the day's only flight to Orlando, and then watch two dozen Disney-bound children burst into simultaneous tears. Eventually Alex got us another flight that, unfortunately, went through Atlanta instead of directly to Orlando. Bella was really excited about flying, and thoroughly loved it. I was apprehensive at first, mostly due to the good-sized crop of trepidatious (the correct word is "trepid," just in case you're relying on me for vocabulary enrichment, but it's not nearly as satisfying as "trepidatious"), sobbing children all around us. I thought their anxiety would be contagious, but I needn't have worried. It wasn't long before she was an old hand at flying, and was ordering snacks and beverages like she'd been doing it her whole life.

And yes, those are MY iPod earbuds, and yes, they fit my five-year-old daughter. If you are similarly afflicted with teeny-tiny ears, and standard iPod earbuds are a problem for you like they are for me (and my kid), then I highly recommend this model, that my mom found. They're made by Sony.

So it was that we arrived in Orlando not around noon, as intended, but something close to eight hours later, and dog-tired. We took Disney's Magic Express (definition: comfy bus with a perfectly-timed Disney infomercial playing on GPS-driven television sets) from the airport to our hotel, leaving our checked bags behind for Disney to pick up and deliver to our suite. In hindsight, if we'd picked up our own bags, we would have been able to go to sleep in our own pajamas that night, but we weren't exactly thinking straight.

No matter what time you arrive, Disney's Grand Floridian Resort and Spa is one heck of an impressive place. Bella and I were both well-entertained by the ginormous Christmas tree and life-size gingerbread house (yes, made of real gingerbread) for the duration of the checking-in process. Alex's mom had secured us some first-class lodgings, and we were verrrrry grateful.

In that backpack is her Webkinz pink pony, "Alice." She wore it ALL DAY LONG, never once taking it off.

Once the concierge had us finally settled into our rooms, albeit without luggage at that point, we ordered room service and went to bed, which caused our luggage to be delivered at last. No, I can't prove causation, but that's how it played out.

The next morning, we were off to the Magic Kingdom, where we had reservations in Cinderella Castle for breakfast at Cinderella's Royal Table. I cannot possibly overstate the anticipation for this event in one five-year-old girl. Having said breakfast reservations gets you into the park shortly before it opens, along with the opportunity for pictures like this (click it, please--it's so pretty!):

But be aware that while you're taking that picture, you're just about to miss THIS one:

And you really want to document that first glimpse of CINDERELLA'S ACTUAL CASTLE in person...which will be followed shortly by a near-meltdown due to overwhelming emotions. I believe the sentiment expressed at this point was, "THIS IS JUST BLOWING MY MIND!"

Click through to see the note on this photo, and how we very nearly lost Bella to Disney Princess Delirium. More to come.

Block Heads

2007-11-27T14:10:00.000-08:00

I'm going through and bookmarking sites and making lists of things I love for Christmas this year, and the kids' selections are pretty slim so far. But I do have one resource that I really want to share, and that is wooden toy maker John Michael Linck. Well, Mr. Linck is not wooden; he makes wooden toys. You know perfectly well what I meant. Anyway, his stuff is amazing, and intended to last not just for years, but for generations.

Bella received, in 2003, when she was barely a year old, as a gift from her grandparents, Mr. Linck's fabulous Block Wagon. This is not a cheap item, by any means. But then again, it's...well, it's not a cheap item. It's meant to be an heirloom. It is the most-played-with toy she has ever owned, and she has never stopped playing with it from the time she first got it to the present day--right now it's in a prominent spot in the living room, and she builds from it several times a week.

Bella learned to pull up and walk with the aid of that block wagon. And then she built her first structures, which were, admittedly, simple in the beginning.

She used the blocks for abstract art, as seen here, in "Family Portrait, In Blocks."

Currently, one of her favorite things to do is to build a fanciful structure of the blocks, and then set up her easel and pastels and create a still-life based on what she's built from the blocks. She even photographs it--often.

I'm telling you, this thing is incredible, and I love that one day she'll be able to pass it down to her own child. The construction is flawless, and each block is satiny smooth and perfect.

Mr. Linck makes an assortment of toys, including a smaller pull-behind wagon full of building blocks, and an impressive set of wooden train cars meant to last a lifetime and beyond. Many items are affordibly priced, and there's even a "train car of the month" club, which I have to admit seems kinda cool. And there are TWENTY cars to choose from!

This is my contribution, totally unsolicited and uncompensated in any way, this year, to the No More Plastic Crap From China movement, as well as the effort to buy handmade, as far as major toy items go. You certainly couldn't do much better.

Cheap--I Mean, Inexpensive--Gifts That Are Awesome

2007-11-27T14:00:00.000-08:00

You're welcome. I browse a lot of Etsy shops, make a lot of bookmarks, and read a lot of Southern Living. And I don't believe in going broke to celebrate occasions that are about giving. Without further ado, here are some really great finds, all less than $50, and most less than $20. I know I would be tickled to receive any item on this list, and we all know what good taste I have, right? Oh, and as always, I don't have any financial affiliation with any of these sellers; this is just stuff I like.

Food:

-The Lee Bros. Southern Cookbook, $35. Won the James Beard Cookbook of the Year Award.
-Speaking of the Lee Bros., try their Fresh Boiled Peanuts, $25.50 for 5 lbs. Ask Styro.
-Betsy's Cheese Straws, $4-23.00 Oh, so good.
-Jackson Biscuit Company's Southern Style Beaten Biscuits, $2.50 per dozen. A real treat.
-Lava Bar, $1.99 per half-dozen. The closest you can get to mainlining chocolate.
-Straight outta N'awlins, Aunt Sally's Pralines, $11.49 These were my dad's idea of heaven on earth.
-A hometown favorite, Cavender's Greek Seasoning, $15 per 6-pack. Arkansans use this stuff on everything. When I met Alex, this was the main weapon in his cooking arsenal, and it's a good one.
-BaconSalt, $4.49. My favorite is the Peppered variety, and my favorite use so far is with baked potatoes and pasta.
-And finally, if you want to make a displaced Southerner weep with nostalgia and joy, then spend $4 and treat them to an RC Cola and a Moon Pie. I'm a little teary-eyed just typing that.

Jewelry:

-Browse Yelena's whole store, starting with this Butter Jade necklace, $39. She's running a great holiday sale right now.
-Sterling silver bass-clef-inspired earrings, $14, which I love because they're pierced, but have no clasp or backing. Simple.
-Gorgeous, sweet little orange sterling-silver/polymer earrings, $17.90. Darling.
-Dragonfly "Earwings," $29. I love bug jewelry, and bonus points for the clever name.
-Cobalt Corian ring, $20. Yep, that stuff your countertops are made of. Way cute.

Art:

-"Stations," fine art print by Andrea Pratt, $40. I LOVE THIS PAINTING. Heck, I own the original. Andrea has printed some of her other work recently, so shop around her store a little.
-Chunky Landscape Prints by Mandy Budan, $40. This artist has really found a style that works for her, and despite not being a big landscape fan, I can't help but like these extremely interesting paintings she does.
-Photography by Schmutzie, from $15. She's gifted, has soul, and besides, she's a striking writer. And also, a writer who is currently on strike. Photos with depth, texture, and emotion.
-Inspirational items from Jen Lemen, $7-15. A really great way to uplift a sister.
-Retro-flavored prints, from $10, in splashy, delicious colors, many featuring long and lanky black cats or snooty poodles. These would be great for any deco or Eames fans, and they're just fun and funky.

Housewares:

-When I tell you that Heber Springs, Arkansas-based Aromatique is the best home fragrance purveyor in all the world, you need to just believe me. And their Cinnamon Cider line from $9-20, is the favorite of just about everyone I know, especially at this time of year. Just DELICIOUS.
-Japanese Pickle Press, $24.99. You don't even care what it does. You just like saying "Why, it's a Japanese pickle press," authoritatively, when you give it.
-CUTEST EVER roundish cranberry coffee mug, with four precious little round "feet," $15. The "feet" not only make this mug unique and adorable, they also serve to protect surfaces from condensation, so you don't need a coaster. Man, this thing is cute.
-More suitable to cafe au lait, nice wide-mouthed The Perfect Mug, $10, is just begging to be cradled in both hands.
-"Color Sample" Tableware, $4-7. I want just about every piece of this.
-Bella wants to use chopsticks BADLY, but just doesn't have the manual dexterity yet, so I can't wait to give her these Clothespin Chopsticks, $3.99.
-Hand-thrown Galaxy Bowl, $18. Just gorgeous, and I can't believe the price.

Novelty/Miscellaneous:

-The Elf On The Shelf, $29.95. Just check it out.
-Give someone Herpes (or mono, a cold, even mad cow), $7.99
-Catnip Banana, $4. Hilarious cat/banana interaction potential.
-Handmade wooden Gumball/Candy Dispenser, $15. I'm thinking this looks like a good option for Bella's teacher, who keeps big bowls of Skittles and M&Ms on her desk.
-Funky, cute retro-flavored aprons from Boojiboo, $15-22. These make me want to throw a non-alcoholic cocktail party. What? I don't know.
-Tiny Superhero Robot, $10. Just what it sounds like. A tiny, superhero robot.
-Cherry Wood Baby Rattle, $18.95. Perfect fin the current Toxic Toy Aftermath.
-From Lucky Threadz Tees, Grammar Crackers, $14. These is good.
-I want every single one of my dogs to have one of these knitted Holly Dog Collars, $12. This design is brilliant, and incorporates the holly branch, leaves, and berries. SO cute.
-Alex really wants one of these Ninja Remotes from ThinkGeek, $8.99, which allow you to commandeer just about any TV set. No more "Oprah" in the doctor's waiting room!
-If you know someone who's into flickr, then they might have MOO cards. And if they have MOO cards, then they want one of these clip-on MOOPockets, $15. Splatgirl has a stunning variety of fabrics.
-And while you're in Splatgirl's shop, you need to shop for your dog some more, and get him/her/them some of these fabulous, funky, colorful collars, $15. She also makes custom leashes to match.
-Dog Breed Puzzimals, $10, speaking of dogs.
-Finally, to Alex's utter delight, you, too, can give a loved one that gift, in a box, immortalized by Justin Timberlake. You know what I'm talking about. $25 buys you much hilarity, as well as increased cancer awareness and a donation to a cancer charity.

Oh, and stock up on Secret Agent Josephine's Gift Tags to keep your gifts sorted out, $2 per dozen, and super-cute.

Happy Shopping!

It's Not The List I'd Have Chosen

2007-11-26T14:13:00.000-08:00

Fortunately for me, Bella, having the holiday-season attention span of most other just-turned-five-year-olds, will forget most of the things on this list...unfortunately for me, the stupid Dora's Talking Kitchen will NOT be one of those things. Some diplomacy and sleight-of-hand is going to be required if I'm going to get her wanting something else soon.

I asked Bella to make me a list of things she might like to have for Christmas, for Mommy and Daddy to choose from. (I do love that when she makes a list, she's pretty much expecting to get one thing, or maybe two, from that list, and not the whole list, which I'm betting will come later.) So she went and scrounged up a giant piece of cardboard, and here is the list she made, WRIT LARGE upon it:

And I quote, with original writing/spelling idiosyncracies:

*A PRINCESS KICHEN (see last item on list for more about this)
*A PRINCESS STORE (I am so opposed to the idea of "princess shopping" on so many levels that this will never happen ever)
*ELEPHUN THe eLEPHANT (This game is well-known to be a piece of crap, unfortunately.)
*GLOVES FOR MRS. CLAUS (Since the gift of a Christmas outfit for her American Girl doll, the doll has been named "Mrs. Claus," just until Christmas.)

And here is where she breaks out the BIG FONT, which makes me wonder if she's destined for a life of graphic design--seriously--could you make letters like that, in ink, when you were five?:

*PRINCESS DOLLS THAT CAN TALK (is there even such a thing?)
*BARBie GIRLS (NOT gonna happen. I'm so ticked off at Mattel for the stupid Barbie jumping horse fiasco on Bella's birthday that Barbie and I are totally not on speaking terms.)
*JAM'N (Backward 'J', backward apostrophe, but again, stylish font!) JeeP (This item might actually be part of the above, as in "Barbie Girls' Jam'n Jeep." I just don't know. But it won't be Jam'n here.)
*(again featuring all backwards apostrophes, but hey--she already uses them correctly more often than half the signmakers around town) DORA'S LET'S GeT ReADY VANITY! YAY (The "YAY" and exclamation mark are because she REALLY wants it--ugh.)
*SPARKLE AND TWIRL DORA (Don't even know what this is, but I know I don't like it.)
*LITTLE TIKES 2-iN-1 WORKSHOP (a little young, but we can adapt something)
*FISHING TIKE (Explanation: "When I wrote it, I couldn't remember that it was called a 'fishing rod.' So I just wrote 'TIKE' instead. Because that's who makes it." Yup, she's already brand-savvy...and has also apparently forgotten that she already has a pretty awesome REAL rod & reel.)
*NORMAL DOLLS (Your guess is as good as mine.)
And finally, an amendment, down there at the bottom in pink ink, because priorities changed during the making of this list, it seems:
*DORA'S TALKING KITCHEN, NOT A PRINCESS KITCHEN (This is the only item that comes up over and over, and I'm just so not thrilled about the prospect of another hunk of plastic sitting around the house.)

Obviously, this list is not the list I'd have created, but hey, it's not MY five-year-old Christmas, is it? All the same, I think I can take this list and come up with some decent workarounds and adaptations that will make her happy. I have some definite ideas, and will update after the fact, if I'm successful. If not, I'll be buried under a pile of pink plastic junk. Other things have been mentioned, like Webkinz stuff and American Girl accessories, and she has a pretty amazing gift coming from Grandmommy that may or may not get here in time for Christmas, and Grandmama (other one) is taking her to DISNEY WORLD in December, so this particular list isn't stressing me out too badly. I think I can make it work.

Is Sister Schubert Holding This Woman's Family Hostage?

2007-11-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or is there an air of desperation in this Sister Schubert ad? More specifically, in Sister Schubert's facial expression?

"Buy my rolls. Please. They have my children."

Also, today, during a commercial for Mirapex, which is being marketed to treat Restless Leg Syndrome, mixed into the listing of the possible side effects, I heard, "Notify your doctor if you experience an increase in gambling, sexual, or other intense urges." Um... OKAY THEN.

"Honey, where've you been, and why is our checking account empty?"

"Let's just say my restless legs got REALLY restless."

Crap like this would seem SO much funnier accompanied by a DaveToon

BaconSalt!

2007-10-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

Because I love The Pudding. The Fluid Pudding, that is. Because she talks smart and fancy, and is funny, and is kind, has made out with Harry Truman, and shares important discoveries with the world, like this one:

It came yesterday, delivered to my office, and Alex and I went around forcing everyone to taste it, and to say, "Oh my gosh, that really DOES taste like bacon!" I knew that FP had had a somewhat disappointing first BaconSalt experiment with scrambled eggs, that involved various parts of her brain arguing with each other (I can't really sympathize, because I can ONLY eat eggs as a side dish, no matter what flavor they might be, so this is one I'd never have tried--plus, the various parts of my brain are not on speaking terms with each other), so Alex rushed right over to the grocery store and bought some big ol' potatoes.

Short review: BaconSalt baked potatoes are DEELISH. I used both the original and peppered flavors of BaconSalt on mine, and if I'd had a baked potato the size of my head with the BaconSalt on it, I think I could have eaten it. Or, you know, gone down trying. So, in the end, we had a low-cal dinner of broccoli and baked potatoes, but felt as though we ate like kings. BaconSalt + 'Taters = GOOD THING.

I speak more of this, plus the week in review and the horror of my front entryway, in a couple of recent posts over yonder.

Oh, yeah--no remuneration was received for this post, not even free BaconSalt, sadly. The BaconSalt people don't even know I exist, but for my order. Although, now that I've posted this stuff everywhere, if they just wanted to send me free swag, I'd be totally cool with that.

Want To Get A Kid Reading? Here's How!

2007-07-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

When Bella and I got home from running errands today, we spent some time with the boxed DVD set of "The Electric Company" that I'd finally gotten around to ordering for her, and sang all the songs and tried to sound out as many words as possible before Bill Cosby or Morgan Freeman could. And here is where I take a minute to let everyone know that, if your kid is at all interested in learning to read, you can't make any better investment than DVDS OF "THE ELECTRIC COMPANY."
We've had them for about a week, and Bella has gone from knowing the sounds that the letters in the alphabet can make, to READING COMPLETE SENTENCES in that time. Seriously. Why is there no equivalent to this show around any more? I was reading competently at age 4, and my own mother swears by the influence of "The Electric Company."

TEC does tend to wear a body out, so we did take a nap break. Come on, I told you it was the best day ever--you had to know that would include at least a short nap. And with Bella, "short" is the only kind of nap there is. Bella made the peanut-butter sandwiches for lunch, and we spent the rest of the afternoon playing "Sphere" (your kid will be better at this than you would ever think possible) and reading. THE REST OF THE DAY, excluding a short dinner break when Daddy came home. Until her bedtime. And it never got boring, not EVER.

What did we read? Well. Here is where I get to share with you a rare moment of mothering inspiration, because frankly, this is genius. Bella LOVES looking at pictures on flickr. LOVES IT. And I noticed that many flickr photos have simple titles, descriptions, and tags. That gives you a LOT of words, which are associated with real-life images, and endless hours of reading practice material. Tags in particular are great, because they tend to describe the subject of the photo, which helps with comprehension. I don't guess any developmental stepping-stone has made me as giddy as this whole reading business. It's just phenomenal. She's got the concept of the silent 'e' knocked, as well as being able to swap out long and short vowel sounds, and hard and soft consonants. I am completely in love with this child, and her sweet, ever-growing brain.

Yep, it was a good day. Getting to have this time with my daughter before school starts and I go back to work has been a real gift, and I'm appreciating, and loving, every minute of it. Even with the Loudest Child in the Universe, bless her little noggin. Now, sing along with me:

Easy Reader, that's my name;
Uhn, uhn-uhhhhhhhn;
Reading, reading, that's my game;
Uhn, uhn-uhhhhhhhn.

Top to bottom, left to right;
Reading stuff is...OUTTA SIGHT!
Easy Reader, that's my name;
Uhn, uhn-uhhhhhhhn!

Stupid Wendy's Commercial

2007-06-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

Is it just me? Does anybody "get" that stupid Wendy's commercial with all the tree-kicking people, and the doofus in the "Wendy" wig? If I'm not eating Wendy's, I'm a tree-kicker? Maybe I'm just old. If you are young, and this commercial is funny, please let me know. I'm off to get some kasha and have a nap.

My issues with the current Burger King ad campaign inovolving "the King" would just open up a whooooole 'nother can of worms, and...well, my nap, you know. Must go.

Dell Tech Geeks Bring The Funny--And The Help

2007-03-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

Great jumpin' cats, this Dell thing is taking on a highly entertaining life of its own. If you don't know what I'm talking about, start with my previous post. Read the comments, then follow the magic of the intarweb over to Notes From The Trenches and read Chris' post, "Where Is My Larry?" Do NOT skip the comments, because there are bloggers and tech guys making Veggie-Tales jokes. Chris may not have Larry, but hey, she's got Rick, and he's got attitude. (He's the guy in this video second from left in the back--we speculate that he's the only one of the group wearing a jacket because he got something on his shirt right before the filming. We mostly speculate this because if Alex or I had to be in a video for a corporate vlog, we could almost guarantee you that that would be the day we'd drop a chili-dog down our front.) I predict a happy ending.

To paraphrase an old, seriously annoying ad campaign, Dell: "Dude--Everyone's Watching Dell." Don't make a liar out of me, Rick. Right now, women of the blogosphere are positively buzzing about "the power of the internet." Justify my love, guys (and Margaret). When you have the all-powerful Mir asking, "What have we learned?" and promising "...we'll take a look," you can't drop the ball.

On that, I'm out. Alex and I, thanks to a hugely generous gift from my faboo mom-in-law (you wish your mother-in-law was this great, but mine is the best), are celebrating his birthday all weekend in high style, with fine dining and cushy accomadations. You realize, of course, that this means I'm leaving. My. House. The homefront and horses are well-covered, Bella is thrilled about spending time with grandmommy/aunt/uncle/cousin, the dogs are parceled out among friends and family, Jack The Cat is in charge, and I'm moderately sedated. So hopefully, we'll be living it up this weekend, and Alex will have a happy birthday (it's a Big One), and I won't spend any part of our time away crouched in a corner, rocking back and forth and muttering to myself. I do believe I AM beginning to feel the beneficial effects of the Wellbutrin, so the way I figure it, this little retreat will either snap me right out of my funk, or kill me outright. Either way, the waiting is over. Oh, and we're only going, like, 20 miles from home, and that helps.

And I'm taking my new laptop with me. Thanks to consarned Matthew Baldwin, there will probably be a fierce marital Peggle duel waged all weekend long.

Hello, Dell? I'm Staying. Thank Larry.

2007-03-05T15:37:00.000-08:00

And give him a raise. I'm not kidding. DO IT, or else I'll...I dunno, type something. You may recall my grousing a little while back, here and here, about our recurring problems with the power source in our Dell Inspiron laptop, and our huge frustration with Dell's tech support/customer service. Our computer had been sent back several times, the problem was never fixed, and we kept buying new power cords (from Dell) and trying to use the computer while holding the cord in place with one hand. I might have publicly stated that "Dell is full of crap" at least once. It could have been worse.

Blogosphere, I present to you a happily resolved customer service issue:

On the left, Old And Busted. On the right, New Hotness (MIB reference-nod to TSM). Let me 'splain, as best I can, how this miracle of corporate responsiveness came about. You may already know what's coming, but I had no idea, so for the other three people out there who might be likewise in the dark, this is for you.

Within hours of my first post mentioning a problem with our laptop, I received an email bearing the subject line, "Problems with your Dell computer." It was short and sweet, and seemed too good to be true:

Belinda

I am a customer advocate at Dell headquarters in Texas. I read your Blogspot post about having to send your Dell computer back to the repair depot a second time. I wanted to get with you to make sure we get things taken care of. If you can send me the service tag for the computer or a reference number for one of the services and I can pull up all the notes and see what options I have available. If you have any questions for me I will be more than happy to answer them.

I look forward to hearing back from you,

Larry
Dell Customer Advocate

OK, stop right here, before I admit that I thought this was probably bogus, because you're all smarter and more internet-savvy than me, and would not suspect that Larry was actually a Nigerian scam artist who was going to somehow empty my bank accounts and ruin my credit-rating by getting hold of my Dell service tag number. Shut up. And yes, one of two very simple things would have settled the question immediately: A Google search (DUH) or checking my own site's traffic report. What I actually did was to kind of blow Larry off, and ask around. No one I spoke to had heard of anything like this, though most people said it "seemed harmless."

So a few days later, when I griped online again, in a bare mention tacked onto the end of this post, I immediately got another very polite email from Larry, again offering to help. This time, I thought (because I am clever like that) I'd just find out if Larry was for real, and asked for a phone number and extension at Dell...to which he responded by offering to call ME. To which I responded by saying to myself, "AHA! He won't get me that easily! I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, Larry!" I wrote back pretty much implying that I was onto him, and no way was I giving out any information without knowing who I was dealing with. BOY, did I tell him. Ahem.

And as it turns out, I was still ON the turnip truck, because Larry very politely answered that my position was perfectly understandable, and provided the main customer service number at Dell, along with his direct extension. By this time, it had occurred to me to Google the phrase "Dell customer advocate," which I should have done in the first place. If I had, I'd have found numerous articles about this program, and this one in particular, from Dell's own blog, that addressed the very issue I'd had with "stranger danger" apprehension about being approached out of the blue by someone offering to solve a problem. Because honestly, how often does THAT happen? Also at that link, you get to see (and hear) our hero, Larry, in the flesh (and voice) on a video clip! Go, Larry! He's the quiet one of the bunch, but he gets the first and last word in that clip.

So once all THAT was out of the way, Larry got right down to solving our problem. And we were positively bowled over with the speed and efficiency and fairness of his work. When one thing wasn't available, he'd upgrade to the next better thing (I know you love that technical lingo), until finally, because of the uniqueness of our problem and some particulars of our repair history with Dell (seriously, our laptop was whacked), we wound up with a new replacement computer, upgraded from the model we'd had before, because that model wasn't available at the time, and Larry didn't want to make us wait. I'm here to tell you, we had Larry earning his paycheck in dealing with us, because we seemed to have one issue after another, and while he had us our new computer inside of a week, we weren't able to send our old one back to Dell for more than twice that long. (We had to figure out how to transfer our many programs and files from one unit to the other, which was complicated by the fact that the old was unit running Windows XP and the newer one came with Vista. Hint--it involves ordering a special magic cord. For real.)

So now, we are humming right along in computerland, and as you can see from the picture above, we got everything transferred over to the new 'puter, right down to my Huey Freeman wallpaper. Larry even made sure that I got the same faux burled cherrywood cover on the new 'puter that I had on the old one. Between the upgrade and the not having to type with one hand while holding a power cord in the other any more, this new laptop is like a bionic version of the previous one. THANK YOU, LARRY.

As for Windoze Vista: Not a fan. It has a lot of new bells and whistles, true, but anything I needed? No way. Plus, a lot of the new features--heck, most of them--actually clutter up my internet/computing experience and get in the way. It doesn't seem to want to play nice with Mozilla Firefox right out of the gate, but having been told firmly by Alex that this is the way things are going to be, browser-wise, seems to have settled down on that count. And it only took me ONE session of using Vista's "new and improved" Internet Explorer to know beyond a doubt that I LOVE FIREFOX. Never leave me, Firefox.

That Mac commercial, where the PC has the Secret-Service looking guy interrupting him every 5 seconds asking him if he really wants to do what he's trying to do? Totally not an exaggeration. Constant pop-up windows are everywhere, and you have to spend a lot of time turning things off. Software designers and computer manufacturers would make everything easier on us if they'd just send us the units stripped down to the bare basics, along with optional programs on disks, so that we could install only what we WANT, rather than going through the headache of having to figure out how to uninstall what we DON'T want.

Consider this a Love Thursday post. We love Larry. All right, it's not your typical LT fare, but seriously, he brought some happiness and relief into our lives during a very frustrating time.

And that's not for nothing.

UPDATED to add--A response by Lionel Menchaca, Digital Media Manager for Direct2Dell. In part, he writes, to those of you who've expressed your own Dell-related woes:

"I encourage you or anyone else that needs help with their Dell hardware to go here:

http://direct2dell.com/contactus.aspx
My personal e-mail is at the bottom of this page, and the Customer Advocate team email is listed as well (fourth bullet point from the top list)."

Hit it.

Healing A Sick House

2007-01-22T15:47:00.000-08:00

So, I never did tell you the horrific story of our ridiculously incompetently-installed and maintained air-duct system, although we did have warnings, starting last summer--and it got worse after that.

The three of us, despite those new-generation antihistamines, the new steroidal nasal sprays, and vigorous use of the much-ballyhooed Neti-Pot, have had multiple respiratory infections since moving to this new house. MULTIPLE. Alex, who is prone to pneumonia because of his asthma, had full-blown pneumonia no less than three times in 2006. Bella, who never had a real sick day in her life for her first three years, went through course after course of antibiotics for sinus infections, as did I--I am just NOW finishing up a 10-day course of fluoroquinolones, and my chest is already hurting again less than 48 hours after the last dose.

So. The time came for an evaluation of our heat/air system. It's all electric, run by two heat pumps and two air-handlers. Short story: The whole system sucks. There is rotting ductwork all through the house, full of mold and mildew and dirt from 10 years of total neglect (aside from the occasional duct-taping, shown below). There are entire sections of crappy flex-duct that has rotted completely away, so that we've been blowing heated/cooled air directly into the attic. Nice. Also, the square-footage heated/cooled by one 2-ton, 8-SEER heat pump was just about DOUBLED when a huge room was added on, but the heat pump was NOT upgraded. Not only that, the same people who added the room without allowing for proper heating/cooling also decided to opt out of any form of insulation for this new room. Which is walled entirely on two sides with WINDOWS. Do you see where this is going?

So, since Christmas, when we learned that we're most likely breathing deadly poison of one kind or another anytime we're running our heater, we've had to choose between being warm OR being able to breathe. So mostly we've been huddled up in the master bedroom with a space heater. It's been a fun January.

Cut to the present, in which we've taken out a small loan, and begun the three-day process of ripping out the crappy ductwork--seriously, don't just take my word for it (click images to see flickr notes):

This last one is of the interior of our inside "air-handler" unit. I think this particular part at one time actually functioned as a FILTER. Wonder how that was working for us, air-quality-wise?

And YES, we had a pre-purchase home inspection! In which the inspector did not notice any of this not-to-code, disintegrating ductwork (among many other things in the attic), OR the fact that there was ZERO insulation in the attic! Lack of insulation which, you would THINK, would make the crappy insulation VERY obvious! The name of our home inspection company, should anyone else in central Arkansas (or the rest of the country--they have inspectors everywhere) be dying to employ them now, is "PILLAR TO POST." Go ahead, give 'em a call! I particularly enjoy this passage from their website--apparently "inadequate insulation" they notice, but "NO insulation" just slips through the cracks:

3. Attic issues. Home buyers almost never look in attics but inspectors always do, paying special attention to signs of roof leaks, missing support trusses, pest infestation, illegal venting, illegal electrical wiring, inadequate insulation, etc.

Also, YES, we obtained a Home Warranty when we bought this house! A Home Warranty which specifically covered DUCTWORK...but guess what claim they're refusing? That's right, the claim we submitted upon discovering our criminally inadequate DUCTWORK. Why, you ask? Well, because, since the ductwork was improperly installed before we bought the house, they classify it as a "pre-existing condition." Are you relishing the irony of this situation yet? Are you getting the hearty belly-laughs that we have been? Are you thinking, you foolish thing, as we were, that when you buy a house FROM SOMEONE ELSE, that pretty much EVERYTHING about that house is a "pre-existing condition" for you? And that that is the motivation for BUYING a Home Warranty? Oh, you silly, silly person, you. The name of our wonderful Home Warranty company, should you want to rush out and buy a policy upon your next home purchase, is "WARRANTECH." Oh, and Warrantech's portion of the cost of replacing the non-operative ductwork, had they chosen to honor their policy? About $1,000-1,500, because they have a limit on what they'll cover. WE are paying MUCH more than that, but Warrantech ain't kickin' in their share--pre-existing condition, you know.

So anyway, this is my crazy-eye, from hiding in my bedroom surrounded by poodles while several strange men tromp around in my attic, apparently playing a rousing game of horseshoes or something equally loud and unsettling, for the next three days. Whee.

Dear GAP: Stop It. Right Now.

2006-10-07T16:13:00.000-07:00

Seriously. You know what I mean, GAP. You and your creative agency, Laird+Partners. Just stop it. Leave our precious Audrey Hepburn alone, could you? The dance scene in "Funny Face" was sweet, charming, and endearing. But cutting Ms. Hepburn out and having her shill your sweat-shop-sewn, generic American uniforms to the backdrop of AC/DC? That's just wrong. It was wrong when it was Fred Astaire posthumously hawking vacuum cleaners, and it's wrong now. So stop it.

Also, GAP? During her "Funny Face" heyday, Ms. Hepburn was certainly a tall, skinny drink of water, appropriately suited for "skinny pants" and the like. As a matter of fact, she was 5'7" tall, and weighed in at a whopping 110 pounds. Just like so many American women of today! A full 2% of American women, I believe the statistic is, fit that body type now. So, good luck (but not really) with your brilliant ad campaign, and the sales of a record number of "skinny pants," GAP!

I think you're gonna need it.

File Under: "Things I Never Thought I'd Do

2006-09-03T16:26:00.000-07:00

It'd be a pretty big file, and this would be a minor entry, but still...OH MY GOSH I AM SUCH A GROWNUP.Yes, I am sending in receipts and UPC codes from cereal boxes for a MAIL-IN REBATE! I have never done this before in my life. I guess it "wasn't worth my time," or some stupid thing. But now? This is FREE MONEY, people, and I intend to HAVE it. I've also been keeping track of my Walgreens purchases in order to get every rebate I have coming from them.

Along these same lines, here is the result of my third attempt at reaching my elusive goal of 65% savings on grocery purchases:Obviously, I'm still 11% short, but I know exactly what got in my way on this trip: Two packages of chicken and a three-pack of Kleenex. I actually had coupons for both, but they were expensive items, and so threw off my percentages. But I was still way psyched to come home with more stuff that I DIDN'T pay for than stuff that I DID. After this trip, I asked Alex, "Do you know what $108 would have bought us a couple of months ago? Maybe five days' worth of food." And he answered, "Yeah, and after a couple of days, we'd have been slamming cabinets open and shut in the kitchen, wondering why we didn't seem to have anything to eat!" And he's exactly right.

Improved Couponing Percentages

2006-08-28T16:37:00.000-07:00

Let me present grocery receipt #2 in my quest for ever-greater coupon-driven savings:What was it last time? A mere 36% or something like that? I am getting better, you see! The reason that the numbers don't seem to add up to 51% is that they apparently figure the percentage saved before they figure your taxes. SO--the landmark on this trip was getting more groceries that I DIDN'T pay for than groceries that I DID pay for. And that, I think, is what it's all about. I'm shooting for the 60th percentiles next time. And still struggling with that Walgreen's thing.

Coupon Redux: Wal-Mart

2006-08-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

Like I don't have enough Wal-Mart related anxiety, I did go through with my promise to test out couponing at the retail giant. And let me just request, ahead of time, please, no hating on me because I go to Wal-Mart. Because I do. Go to Wal-Mart. You know what else we have in town? A Walgreen's and a couple of large chain grocery stores, and a couple of independent pharmacies where you can buy a tube of Chap-Stick for $10.95. Plus, this is Arkansas, home of Wal-Mart and the Walton family, so it's kind of ubiquitous. So back off already; I'd like to maintain my blog's troll-free status. Click image for a legible version.

I'll do this backward, and give you my conclusion first, and then explain myself: I consider my Wal-Mart couponing experience a success, and I think with practice and timing it could come pretty close to my grocery percentages (although, I have recently hit 51% savings on groceries). At first blush, it doesn't seem as impressive, but there are several mitigating factors involved. I saved a total of 28% off of my Wal-Mart purchases, and here are my excuses for the percent saved not being higher:

In the first place, the things you opt to buy at Wal-Mart (or Target, or K-Mart, or whatever you have in your area), instead of at the grocery store, are expensive things, and you choose a big-box store because these items are generally cheaper than they are at the grocery store. You know, stuff like laundry detergent, dishwasher detergent, paper towels, deodorant, shampoo, makeup, pantyhose, razorblades, pet food...you get my drift.

Another reason I chose to take my coupons for these items to Wal-Mart, besides the base price of the items in question being lower (and even if they weren't, Wal-Mart will honor ANY competitor's sales circular), is that the grocery stores here will only "double" coupons up to 60 cents' face value. The more expensive items have higher-value coupons, so it doesn't pay, so to speak, to use them at the grocery store, if you're only going to get face-value for them anyway.

If you click on the photo, you can enlarge the receipt and see exactly what I bought (Hey! 14-cent bananas!), and the coupons that were redeemed. I've marked, with flickr notes, the only three items for which I did not have coupons: koi pond food (the fish gotta eat), Hanes socks for Bella, and a pack of gum. What can I say? I'm weak. Also, I had coupons for FREE Iams tartar-control dog treats (kind of like "Greenies") that my dogs love, but they were out of stock on the small size that the free coupons were for, and I was unable to resist buying the larger-size treats, for which I had $2-off coupons. At three packages, that was a $9 splurge that was not strictly neccessary. Again, weak. But I'm proud, once more, that we did not buy one thing that was not on our list (aside from my gum, but I'M ENTITLED TO SOMETHING, PEOPLE), and that we had coupons for all but THREE items purchased. Pretty good, I think.

I may try Walgreen's sometime this weekend, because they have a circular out containing some MEAN buy-one-get-one deals, and store coupons, AND they just come on out and invite you, in writing, to also bring along your manufacturer's coupons, to increase your savings! And they've got a cool-looking rebate program I have yet to investigate. Oh, and because Shash asked, I also posted a few pics of the 600-picture photo album I'm using to organize my coupons, in a special flickr set. And if you are interested in this, you are my geeky compadre.

Cheaper Than Therapy!

2006-08-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

OK, so I'm no Attilla The Mom yet, but I have, as of today, been on my very first foray as an aggressive grocery-bargain advocate, and I'm wildly encouraged! Spurred by ATM's genius four-part series on SERIOUS grocery savings (and to a great extent by my current state of no-money-ness), her absolutely shockingly inspirational example receipts (seriously, check out that last one--!!!!), and even, bless her heart, her encouraging email replies to my confused and desperate questions about the process, I am no longer one of the shopping uninformed. I used to think, when I heard the cashier say, as I checked out, "You saved $6.72 with your Kroger card today," that that was pretty cool. WHAT A FOOL I WAS. A FOOL, I tell you!

So, for the last two weeks, I collected circulars and clipped coupons, and even ventured into the world of online coupon-clipping services (highly recommended--my favorite was The Coupon Master). I drove Alex a little batty, I think, poring obsessively over the papers every night, arranging and re-arranging my coupons in my little photo-album (another suggestion of ATM's) ...and on the Wednesday that my newspaper arrived SANS GROCERY CIRCULAR (!!), my dear husband even went out TO the store to pick up the current sales circular. Because the circular, you see, is CRITICAL to the Attilla The Mom grocery-stealing--er, savings, system. We even discovered that our tiny local city paper carries a different selection of coupons in its Saturday edition than our state daily does in its Sunday edition!

So how'd I do today? Well, I want to point out a couple of things before I reveal my Beginner's Results. First of all, Alex was with me, and we had separate carts, and his cart (the highly-desirable but tragically unweildy racecar model) contained Bella. So as I circled the store like a shark, list--written on an envelope which contained the pre-selected coupons--in hand, intensely goal-driven, he would check in with me every few minutes for an "assignment," then disappear. Unfortunately, along with his directive, he also unfailingly returned each time with something extra. Something NOT on the list, and something NOT on sale and also WITHOUT a coupon. Like fluorescent lightbulbs, giant basted marrow-bone dog treats, bleach tablets for toilet bowls (FIVE boxes of them, thank you), drain cleaner, Tide To-Go stain remover pens, etc. THIS REALLY THREW OFF MY PERCENTAGES. I almost made him check out separately, but I didn't, so just bear that in mind when you view my receipt.For my own part, I am proud to report that I did not buy one single thing that was not on my list. I also, coupon, sale, or no, did not put ANYTHING on my list that I do not regularly buy anyway. I did, however, in order to take the best advantage of the offered savings possible, buy many MORE of some items than I normally would have, but I didn't do that with anything that wasn't shelf-stable or freezable. For instance, I now have 60 individual servings of Bella's favorite Mott's Organic Apple Sauce, in various flavors, and 40 individual servings of Dole fruit cups, in her favorites, pineapples, peaches, and mandarin oranges. Yes, that's a lot of fruit. But with my coupons, combined with my Kroger card sale price, they were FREE. All 100 cups. And we eat them, too. Also free? Crest Toothpaste, priced with card at 10 for $10, combined with my fistful of $1 off Crest coupons. And Yoplait Yogurt smoothies, 20 for $10, plus my coupons =FREE. Let's see...oh--Red Baron frozen thin-crust pizzas, sale-priced, PLUS my clipped coupons, PLUS a "save $.75 NOW" sticker ON the box...not only were those free, but when we opened one at home, we found out that they have a $.75 off coupon on the inner packaging for your next purchase! I cannot BELIEVE that this is stuff I used to THROW AWAY.

I also cannot believe you're still reading this. But, if you're still with me, you're morbidly fascinated enough to want to see MY first "Cheaper Than Therapy" grocery receipt, and I won't disappoint:Again, without the "unexpected" items, I think the total spent would have been around $200, and my percentage saved would have been in the 50's. On my last trip to the grocery store, a week ago, I spent $211. And every bit of that food is now GONE. This trip FILLED my pantry, refrigerator, and freezers--especially freezers. I have so many wonderful things in my freezers now: milk, several varieties of cheeses (slices, bars, and shreds), my favorite Tropicana Pure Premium OJ, breads, chicken, vegetables, chicken, junky pizza and pizza-based entrees, chicken, more vegetables, and more chicken. We are ready for a SEIGE. Or the surgery I thought I was about to have, which I just found out will not be for at least another month. So we can eat until then. My goal for next time is to at least hit the 60% savings mark.

And thus ends my Great Grocery Initiation. I will do better next time, and hopefully each time after that. Next up(although it may have to wait until my next payday), I intend to run the same experiment at Wal-Mart, but with non-food items. My reason for this is that Kroger will double the value of coupons up to 60 cents, but almost all of the coupons for toiletries, cleaning products, paper goods, air-fresheners, medications, etc. are for at least $1, and often more. And besides that, grocery-store prices for those items tend to be higher than they are at Wal-Mart. (I must confess to having already broken this self-made "rule" today, because Kroger was offering 40% off all Cover-Girl makeup products with Kroger card, AND I had SIX $1 and $1.50-off coupons for "any Cover-Girl product." They make eye shadows that I like, as well as a lip-liner and lipstick, so it was easy for me to rack up six items that cost me, like, $4 altogether. And then I had a coupon for a "free CG nail polish with any six CG items," so I was even able to get Bella a free bubblegum-pink nail polish that made her day.)

Obviously, I am WAY, intensely, boringly, mind-numbingly invested in this, and I really apologize if reading this was worse than reading "what I had for lunch" several days in a row (thanks to Peebo for the reference).

But it's not going to stop me from reporting on my Wal-Mart couponing results. Because the RUSH I got when that checkout lady said, "You saved $142.19 on your order today?" All I could think of was, MAN, MY GRANDMOTHER IS GONNA BE CRAZY PROUD OF ME WHEN SHE READS THIS!

And I would feel remiss if I didn't add, in the spirit of my financial guru Dave Ramsey, that if you do undertake such a system of savings, and you suddenly find yourself spending much less on a fixed expense than you were before, that the difference (in my case shown here, $142.19) should be immediately, and without exception, plunked securely into a money-market account, because if you do not actually SAVE your "savings," you're just going to spend them on something else and never actually realize the benefits of shaping up your budget. Personal soap box put away for the moment. (Right now, what with the two-house saga, we're trying to dig ourselves out of a pretty deep hole. But rest assured that, once we're solvent again, we'll be right back on the Ramsey bandwagon.)

An Open Letter To The Hotel Industry

2006-07-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

WASH MORE BEDCLOTHES.

That's it, pretty much. We stayed at two hotels last weekend. The first, in Clarksville, TN, had the standard (nowadays) hotel fare of the bed with a plain flat sheet over a flimsy mattress "pad" and then another flat sheet on top of that, with a ratty blanket and one of those you-only-see-them-in-hotels cheesy bedspreads.

First of all, what happened to fitted sheets? Is it THAT much trouble to make up a bed with a fitted sheet? Are you paying the housecleaning staff SO much per hour that the extra 20 seconds it would take them to secure a fitted sheet to each bed cuts dramatically into your profit margin? Is it a matter of streamlining the laundering/folding/sorting process? Because, really, you MUST know that the stupid two-flatsheets-serving-as-top-and-bottom-sheets system is way substandard from a guest comfort standpoint. And honestly? When that sheet creeps up, down, or sideways, as it is going to if you so much as walk BY the bed or look at it funny, and we have to see that BARE HOTEL MATTRESS? Well, Hotel Industry, that skeeves We The Hotel Guest right the heck OUT.

The first thing I do upon checking in to most hotel rooms is to strip the bed of comforter/bedspread, blanket, and pillows, stash them in a closet or under a desk, and then make the bed up with my OWN bedding, which I have brought from home, putting as much of my own stuff between me and that rental bed as humanly possible. Because we know, you see, that you don't wash those things unless you absolutely HAVE to, and the fundamental truth of life is that, universally, OTHER PEOPLE ARE NASTY. And thanks to "Dateline," their black-lights, and my own personal neuroses, I'm passing along this hotel-hinkiness to my daughter, who, at preschool age, already knows that you can't sit on the floor of the hotel room to watch TV unless you spread a towel on the carpet first, and that to stray off that protective terry layer with any part of your person is tantamount to touching RED-HOT LAVA.

Now here is where I go all gushy with praise for one of your proud members, Hotel Industry. Look, ye, unto The Hampton Inn. Particularly relevant to this post, the Hampton Inn Bellevue, just outside of Nashville, Tennessee. Imagine, after our experience in the first hotel described above, the wave of gratitude and delight and relaxation that washed over me when I first noticed the sparkling, fluffy whiteness of all the bedding in our Bellevue room, and then when I read the following words, typed out on the little information card propped on the clean, clean pillowcase(emphasis--and implied delighted squealing--mine):

"The new Hampton bed is comfy, cozy and clean all over. Everything from the lumbar pillow (!!) to the overstuffed duvet (!!!) to the custom-made sheets and pillow cases have been laundered fresh especially for you."

They didn't even have to brag about the gloriously FITTED bottom sheets on the beds, and the actual, REAL mattress pads underneath, because we could SEE them. And you know what we COULDN'T see, Hotel Industry? A SKANKY MATTRESS. I'm not saying there wasn't one under there, but you know the American public--out of sight, out of mind. It's a step in the right direction. And I can tell you, I rested better in that room for the short time we were there than I had for days, because I wasn't waking up every little while, tugging frantically at a flat, non-fitted sheet, worrying about mattress cooties and how close I was to being covered with them.

And here's a thought that should hit you where you live, Hotel Industry: We're not made of money, my little family, and when we travel, we do whatever we can to keep as much of our money in our pockets as we possibly can. We choose mid-range hotels, usually just nice enough to keep us out of the scary neighborhoods. BUT. Given the option of two hotels, side by side, identical in every way, aside from the bed linens, with one hotel being appointed like our Clarksville hotel, and one appointed like our Nashville-area hotel, WE WOULD HAPPILY PAY A SIGNIFICANTLY HIGHER ROOM RATE FOR THE CLEANER, BETTER-APPOINTED BEDS. Do you hear that, Hotel Industry? And that Hampton Inn room in Bellvue, that was like a $70 hotel room, so we're not talking The Four Seasons, here. But we would EASILY, and with smiles on our faces, fork over up to, say, 50% more for a room cleaned to that standard, over the comparable, but sloppier room. That should really be enough of a difference to more than make up for the increased housecleaning resources you'd have to expend in order to maintain such a standard.

Oh, and on a tangential note, Hotel Industry: When you assign someone a room that is one of a pair of adjoining rooms, but the party on the other side of those double-doors is UNKNOWN to the guests they're "adjoined" to...TRY to assure that the doors on EACH side of that double-door arrangement do, indeed, LATCH.

And one other thing, this time addressed to Families Travelling En Masse For The Purpose Of Convening At A Gigantic Family Reunion Complete With Matching T-Shirts And Barbecue: Please, please, PLEASE, for the love of Pete's sake, do NOT pool your resources among family members in order to dump anywhere from six to twelve very loud and rowdy children, sans adult supervision, into one hotel room together while you escape to other, blissfully peaceful adult-only rooms, especially if that room is one of a pair of adjoining rooms, and the people in the other room are strangers to you who do not love your six to twelve very loud and rowdy children, particularly their repeated attempts to break into said adjoining room. That's just not right. (And Hotel Staff: When a guest calls to complain about the non-latching door and break-in attempts described above, the correct response to complaining guest is NOT, "Um, I think they're gone right now.")

The only other suggestion I have to make to the Hotel Industry that could improve everyone's hotel experience is that every attempt should be made to let hotel guests, for example in places such as Nashville, know when they are in such delicious proximity to divine blogger-peeps the likes of The Blogger Formerly Known As Lucinda and BusyMom. Because when you get back home and find out how close they were, and that they already even know each other and hang out and stuff, it will cause you emotional pain to think you missed them by so little.

I Am So Glamorous, Or, Me And My Neti Pot

2006-04-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

Ever since the precedent was set by this post from the incomparable Anne Glamore's "Tiny Kingdom", I have been wracking my brains to come up with a similar unflattering personal-grooming procedure that I could take pictures of and post for the entire internet. My brains being small and thereby easily-wracked, it didn't take long to come up with the answer: The Washing Of The Sinuses! What could be more interesting than seeing someone with no makeup and her hair pulled back in a most severe manner go through her bedtime routine of pouring salt-water through her head? And to know that she does it every day?

When you live in the CDC's "Most Allergic Place In The U.S." you learn all the pollen-fighting tricks. This is my best one. Secret weapon. It looks crazy, but when there is a thick, snow-like coating of yellow pollen over the entire world, and your dogs go outside black and come back in with yellow legs, trust me when I say that I know whereof I speak.

Usually, I would just make my own saline solution from iodine-free sea-salt and warm water, but my Mom recently discovered the SinuCleanse Nasal Wash System, and GOSH, I'm lazy, so it's perfect. Here's what you start with:You simply empty the contents of the packet into the Neti pot,and add warm water.Stir until saline solution is completely dissolved; just a few seconds. Honestly, the little plastic stirring-paddle is unneccessary if you have, um, a finger. The use of your own God-given digit also allows you to feel when the salt is dissolved.Now you're ready to stick it up your nose! See how pretty you look! And remember to breathe through your mouth, the better for to not drown. Tilt your head to the side opposite the nostril with the Neti-nozzle wedged into it, and start to pour.I have these mutant tiny nostrils, so I have to jam the thing pretty far up there to achieve the desired "nostril seal." You probably would not have this issue. My husband swears, as did my father, that the reason the women of this family have congestion problems is because of our allegedly tiny sinuses. He should talk; He only has ONE sinus. The other one is calcified, or some freaky thing. I nearly drowned him while trying to convert him to the Neti Pot because of this. Looking back, that's kind of funny (only because he survived, you understand). The flow through the sinus cavity starts as a trickle, then just flows straight through. And I swear it feels good.Then you clear your nose by blowing it gently, and repeat the process with the remaining nostril. What you see here is photographic documentation of the cleansing of my #2 nostril, as evidenced by the large salt-water stain on my shirt. That's what happens when a right-handed person attempts to use a Neti-pot with the right hand while simultaneously trying to photograph the process with the left.
There. Don't you all feel educated? And better-looking? But seriously--respect the Neti Pot, because it can change your life. Or at least the way you breathe and how often you get sinus infections and colds. Go forth and cleanse.

Yep, I'm A Voice Geek

2006-02-25T18:23:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or do both of these characters share, not the voice, but the identical cockney accent?
I have found a list of men who lent their talents to voice the Geico gecko, including Kelsey Grammer, who is credited as the first voice of the gecko, but nothing--not one word--about who is voicing the new, cockney fellow who's out to recruit more geckos for Geico. I never could resist either of these characters pictured above, and I have to tell you, even with Spike, it was mostly about the accent. It just perfectly suited who he was. Same with the gecko. So, can anyone find out who is voicing the current incarnation of the Geico mascot; the one extolling the virtues of "free pie and chips?" (Admit it, you're laughing to yourself about the free pie and chips.)

And while we're on the topic of accents and exposing my utter innermost dork, there is one more British voice from which I would buy just about anything, and certainly believe anything, and that is a voice with a highly cultured London accent. It is the voice of this man, James Dyson:I can't tell you the amount of mocking I've endured when my husband has caught me running back the TiVo again and again just to hear that voice repeat a phrase such as, "The bags and filters were hopelessly clogged." When you can make something like that sound sophisticated, well, buddy, you're onto something. I swear I can hear both 'g's in the word 'clogged' the way James Dyson pronounces it.

Oh, and he's a genius, you know. That helps in the geek-appeal. Not just the superhero vacuum cleaners, but things like the Ballbarrel, Sea Truck and others.

And he's an artist. Well, an artist of the deliciously nerdy engineering sort, anyway. People, he can make water flow perpetually uphill! Can you do that? All right, so that's not entirely accurate, but he can make water appear to flow perpetually uphill, and that's pretty good. And if that's not enough, there's his book, Against The Odds, or at the very least, this neat little downloadable game.

So there you have it. I'm a sucker for British accents and big giant brains. I'm not ashamed. Now go watch the gecko do "the robot."

Gone To The Dogs

2006-02-16T18:32:00.000-08:00

What's next--"Where The Red Fern Grows" Flea Collars? "The Yearling" deer minerals? What am I talking about? All right. I just got back from Kroger (grocery store chain) a little while ago, and the aisles and end-caps and free-standing displays were overflowing with huge, bright-yellow bags of--I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP--"Disney's Old Yeller Dog Food." I kid. you. not. I saw one woman with a hundred pounds of it in her cart, and several other people buying it. And then I saw the price. $9.99 for the 50-lb. bag. Criminy.

Do you know what's in dog food that can be sold for 20 cents a pound, and still be profitable? Well, I checked the ingredients, and I can summarize for you. Mainly corn, something dogs don't really digest that well in the first place. And then a bunch of stuff swept up off the grain-mill floor after the edible grain has been processed, and the really gross stuff scraped up from the meat processing plant that couldn't possibly be sold any other way. Throw in some red dye and some carcinogenic BHT (also used as a rubber stabilizer, I think--or is that ethoxyquin?) as a preservative, and you've got yourself a heck of a dog food. And OH, the resulting crap you will enjoy, both in volume AND in texture, not to mention aroma! Because that stuff is coming out of the dog pretty much the way it went in, and pretty close to the same weight out as in, I'd imagine. Blecch. Raw diet, peoples. Or at least a quality processed food. If its best feature is that it can feed your dog for a nickel a day, trust me--keep shopping.

And besides, if I'm gonna buy a dog food (presuming it's NOT made of garbage) marketed on the image of a rabid movie-dog, I want it to be CUJO brand dog food.In the rabid movie-dog department, Cujo, in my opinion, has it all over Old Yeller. While Old Yeller was originally a thieving, egg-sucking cur who got into constant trouble and finally came around and protected his family and wound up paying with his life, blah, blah, blah...Cujo was a good dog his whole life; a boy's faithful pet. It was no fault of his own that, while minding his doggy business, he got bitten by a rabid bat and went all, well...Cujo. And since we had Stephen King writing segments in dog-perspective, we know that he felt confused and bad about what was happening to him. I tell you, people--Cujo is not the villain he's been made out to be, but a victim! A tragic figure! I want CUJO brand dog food!!

In other dog-related news, you can go to the website of the Westminster Kennel Club and view streaming video of not only the "big" winners from the Groups and Best In Show (gotta love that "Rufus"), but the breed judging from every single breed. Click here for the videos of the breeds in the Working, Terrier, Non-Sporting, and Toy groups, and here for the videos of the breeds in the Sporting, Hound, and Herding groups. The breeds are listed, in case you're not sure what group the breed you want to see is in (or ask me; I'll tell you!).

Also, this site has several candid shots from Westminster that are just wonderful. Browse through them, and then tell me that a show dog's life is anything but fun. These pooches are having a great time! And naturally, I'm attaching the picture, an AP photo, of the miniature poodle Best of Breed winner, "Chanel," kicking back and waiting for Group judging to start, with her handler, Leslie Simis. Chanel was also the variety winner of our national breed specialty in 2005. She's a pip.
Finally, a sad note--Vivi, the outstanding champion whippet who was leaving New York with a First Award of Merit to her credit when her crate was dropped and broke open in the Delta terminal, still has not been found. If you live anywhere within a few miles of JFK airport, keep your eyes peeled for Vivi. When last seen, she was wearing a black wool coat, and I hope to goodness she still has it on, and is found alive and well soon. Her owners have vowed not to leave New York without her. She was last spotted near the marshes in Jamaica, Queens, and this is what she looks like.

Dual Purposing

2006-01-24T18:54:00.000-08:00

Bella caught sight, for the first time, of the logo on the package of bands I use to put her hair up. This is what is pictured on the bags, and yes, they are the bands that are made for wrapping up long show-poodle hair: The Daughter was NOT amused, and the sight of the picture on the bag drew this response: "Heeeeeeeyyyyy...these are for DOGGIES!!!"

Dang it. Now I have to go buy real ponytail-holders. We're hoping she won't catch on as quick about the crate we keep her in when we go out. (Note to overzealous indignant moms of the internet: we do not actually crate our daughter. Except at dog shows. No, seriously, never. Just like the drivewayside alligator pit, this is a complete fabrication. She did, however, teethe on Greenies.)

Last Minute Gift Panic?

2005-12-25T19:12:00.000-08:00

I'd like to recommend a favorite cause of ours, begun and headquartered right here in Little Rock, Arkansas. I'm speaking of Heifer Project, International. You can give ducks, chickens, sheep, cows, rabbits, goats...even water buffalo! Best of all, on short notice, it's perfect--they can send an adorable animated e-card--INSTANTLY--to the person you're giving in honor of. There are several to choose from. We used this one: A Gift Of Hope.

Your gift can be anywhere from $10 upwards. So you can give a gift of, say, a lamb...or "a share" of a lamb. It all adds up, and if you read Heiffer's philosophy, you will see that this truly is "the gift that multiplies."

Haute Cuisine, With Toddler

2005-12-15T19:18:00.000-08:00

I'm here to tell you, it CAN be done! On Mom's birthday, we celebrated at our very favorite restaurant, one I've raved about here before, chef extraordinaire Peter Brave's "Brave New Restaurant." This is a fabulous place, and pretty fancy-schmancy--it's not overly pretentious, but it's the kind of place where Alex and I can drop $100 on dinner with ease. And we don't drink, so...that's just for food, chil'ens. And it's worth every penny, the food's that good. Peter Brave is...well, my culinary hero.

Obviously, we don't get to go often, so we don't want our experience (or anyone else's) wrecked by the Wrath Of She Who Is Capable Of Sonic Screaming At A Moment's Notice. This very topic was just discussed on a friend's blog recently, so I was acutely aware of the various pitfalls of including a just-three-year-old in an evening of fine dining. We also had her eight-year-old cousin Grayson with us, but he is fortunately well beyond the age at which he would suddenly go Tasmanian Devil or spit directly ON us.

We've learned something. The secret to the success of such a venture lies not only in the hands of the child and her parents, but also in the savvy of the restaurant owner, management, and staff. This is not a booster-seat place, but I have a feeling that had we needed the "boost," they'd have come up with something. First up, the quick service upon our arrival. We all had something to drink and our orders taken swiftly. Then, greatest of all, and to our surprised delight, before appetizers or salads were served, our children were presented with beautifully arranged, complimentary fruit and cheese plates. Genius, I tell you! GENIUS!That, my friends, is a happy child eating a grape, instead of a restless child regaling the other patrons with her Very Special, Never-Sung-The-Same-Way-Twice arrangement of "Santa Clause Is Coming To Town." This is not a "kid's menu" place. All the better, because we had all the options in the world! Bella had some not-on-the-menu angel-hair pasta, with Basil Shrimp and fresh seasonal vegetables, and there was much proclamation of, "yummmm." Grayson had fresh breaded chicken cutlets and rosemary-roasted potatoes, and was also quite happy. He enjoyed Vanilla-Bean ice cream for dessert, while Bella and I each polished off a chocolate creme brulee'--a specialty of the house. The chef was even nice enough not to "cap" hers, and no one got all snooty about it! And see? We did not leave a giant swath of destruction in our wake! A perfect evening! Well...close. Right? You can't have everything. Oh, and in case anyone is worried, I was totally prepared to whisk my little darling out of there at the first sign of noise or trouble. Fear not, if you see us at a fine restaurant with you some evening.

Just A Warning

2005-12-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

Because I can't even speak on the subject without becoming a spitting, ranting lunatic, let me just say to any person who even thinks of introducing my daughter to one of these abominations:
There will be consequences and repercussions. Severe ones. It was bad enough when these pre-teen role models of ho-dom were introduced (what a message--"Hey, you're cool if all you do is shop, flirt, and dress like a really cheap hooker with tons of makeup and a nose that was--what--shaved away to nothingness in an excess of plastic surgery?" ARRRRGH), but now there's even a ho-baby line. WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING? DO NONE OF YOU HAVE DAUGHTERS?

Seriously--the day Bella gets her hands on one of these, the person responsible is going to have such a pox upon their house...

UPDATE: Dave's comment reminded me of a post of his from a few months ago, which I never have been able to quite get out of my head (thanks, Dave!). I think the same people who buy the Lil' Hooker Baby Dolls for their daughters are the ones who are supporting this industry. Work safe, but not for the squeamish. You've been warned.

Satin Balls

2005-12-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

Not what you think. There is a well-known recipe among dog-fanciers for a raw mixture to help dogs gain weight, or to feed during times of stress when they might need a healthy calorie-boost. It just so happens that the name of this blend is "Satin Balls." I know. Guys, go ahead and make up your own joke. We ladies are above such childishness. ahem.

So tonight, Alex mixed up a nice huge batch of Satin Balls to boost the diets of Hope, who is pregnant*, and J.T., the puppy we're conditioning to be shown early next year. Both are a touch on the thin side, and both are somewhat picky eaters. (Being that they're mother and son, those similarities are not surprising.) These things, these "Satin Balls," ridiculous name aside, are a miracle. No dog can resist them, and they pack weight on fast enough that you must feed them carefully. Alex has to mix them, because when you start with 10 lbs. of raw meat and then add tons of other stuff, he's the only one whose hands are strong enough to blend it thoroughly, and it's about 7 times more than could be accomodated by our stand mixer. So my he-man dons his Playtex Gloves of Super-Power, and does the mixing and forming,...and Bella and I are relegated to being bag-holders. We're the magician's assistants of this operation.(Note on above picture--It is NOT this warm here. Bella refused to leave the house today because, among other things like "I don't feel good," it was "too cold." Then she climbed up into her closet and took down the summeriest dress she could find, put it on, and spent the rest of the day proclaiming it NOT to be cold, or, in fact, winter. Denial runs strong in this family.)

And the Satin Balls have been received exceedingly warmly by the mommy-to-be. Exceedingly.

Yes, I washed my hands.

*Hope was scheduled for an ultrasound today to determine whether or not she was pregnant. Then literally overnight, she went from being shaped like her waspy-waisted little self to looking more like a round little roasting hen, her tummy definitely "dropped." So we're going to save the U/S money and assume that we're on schedule for Christmas puppies! Which would be extra-cool, since Hope herself was born on Christmas Day.

Hair Of The Dog?

2005-11-20T19:58:00.000-08:00

I have a friend down in Australia who loves to "collect" websites that offer useless baby products...so here's my first entry in what may well be a series of the most useless products I've ever seen marketed toward dog-owners. "Happy Tail Ale" is basically beef-flavored malted barley-water. There's nothing harmful about it, and for a dog on a typical commercial diet, could even be a beneficial supplement. Here's an idea...give your dog some meat to eat. It's kind of what they were made to consume anyway, but that's a separate rant of mine.